When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words !!)
These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about
William Faulkner)
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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ja ja ja...absolutely loved them...some of my favourite were "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
Now...check these out girls!!!
Woody Allen’s:
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness; the other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Unknown author:
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
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